Getting Married: Sometimes I Want It, Sometimes I Don’t

It’s only six days away from 2017 and it seems like everybody has made new year’s resolution. Well, except me. I’m too busy dealing with this crippling anxiety, so my only resolution is to be mentally healthy again. And instead of making new year resolution, I made a few list of things I want to do in the next three years, and not a single thing has to do with marriage. Please don’t kill me, ok.

So, some of my friends are getting engaged, married, or just into serious relationships. A catch up with my friends over coffee turned into a bet on who will get married first. Like every girl, I would swoon for my friends who found Mr. Right. Like when one of my friend got engaged a few weeks ago. Her instagram was filled with the engagement pictures. I was torn between feelings “aww, finally, I’m so happy for them, I can’t wait to get married too!” and “ewww! Why are people getting married? You make my skin crawl. I’m going to throw up if I see one more post about engagement.” Why am I so bipolar when it comes to marriage?


It’s weird how sometimes I want to get married but then sometimes I don’t. Most of my friends told me the point of being in a relationship is to finally get married with your partner. I don’t know how to keep my relationship, let alone bring myself into whatever more serious than just being in a relationship. When it comes to committing to someone in marriage, however, I feel a deep knot of anxiety in my stomach. Marriage is for life, man! I get crippling anxiety over what I’m about to order in Starbucks, let alone who I’m going to be stuck with for the rest of my life. Marriage is a scary concept. It’s a blend of fears, sadness, and goodness. It’s never really knowing what is going to happen in your life, but still you trust someone so much that you want them to be around for many years to come, or as they said, forever. It’s knowing there is a chance of feelings fade and love lost, but you’re saying you won’t give up. Among the “I do’s” and wedding cakes, among the decorations and the gown, among the smiles on everyone’s faces, there is more. There is forever. How long is forever? That’s a pretty long time. I could feel my skin crawling as I imagined forever.

Having a family with someone I love is important to me. But love is not enough to sustain a long term relationship as substantial as marriage. Love should definitely be the foundation of your marriage, but love alone is not enough and will lead to failure and ultimately divorce. I understand the concept that marriage means sacrifice and compromise. But somehow, it frightens me to know there are things I’m going to have to do that I will not want to do, in order to make my marriage work. And I know that marriage means handling all that, as well as the life of someone else. Not to mention children, if you’re eventually going to have them. Sometimes I feel so confused and uncertain about who I am and what I’m doing, that I feel completely overwhelmed and paralyzed. The idea of handling all that while trying to build a new life with someone else is a lot to think about. But knowing that doesn’t make it any easier for me.

Everytime I told someone that I didn’t see myself ever getting married, the response would always be the same: “What? Don’t say that! You’ll get married someday. You just haven’t found the right man yet.” Oh man, thanks for the reassurance. I know you’re trying to boost my self-esteem, but I never gave any indication that it needed boosting. I didn’t say I was incapable of finding a partner suitable for my wedding. Of course I want to get married someday, it’s just I’m not sure whether I’ll ever be ready and worthy to get to that phase of life. You know, I am not good at being in a relationship, let alone in marriage.

People think that I’ve been hurt really badly and that’s why I’m afraid of getting married. Oh god no. Remember I ever told you that “I had never actually thought about having children or getting married, those are all adult things that I’m way too immature to handle” before I was even in a relationship with my ex. So that clearly has nothing to do with any of this thing. I know my breakup has shattered the only dream of marriage I ever made in my life, but I know I could make another dream with someone new. I could build my life again and create another dream. In fact, I have met someone nice. I have met dozens of nice people after I broke up. It’s just I have to go through at least a dozen more life changes and improvements before I could consider myself ready for that kind of thing. I have to learn so many things to be considered as wife material.

On Relationship, Being Yourself, and Letting Go

I don’t know how to be in a relationship. This may sound stupid and hard to believe for people who have known me for years and contrary to the long list of guys I’ve ever dated, dumped or been very, very close to. I’ve dated some people before but it never turned into anything substantial. I pushed them away until they had no choice but to end it themselves. It would be easy to write myself off as a commitment-phobe or as someone who just hasn’t met her Mr. Right yet but it’s also something deeper, something far more serious than just dating with Mr. Wrongs. It’s a type of shortcoming. Some people aren’t good at understanding math, and I’m pathetically not good at being in a relationship. The second I start dating someone, I start to feel suffocated and look for a way out. I break plans, I make excuses, and for what? A movie night with my best friend? To be alone in my bedroom? Why? Because I stumble upon a 500+ pages of book and suddenly want to read it again for the 7658389 times?

If the quote about needing to love yourself before you can love someone else is true, then I’m definitely screwed. I have a lot of issues with myself. I realize I’m way too far from perfect, and I’m working on improving myself, but I still have my down days. No one wants to be with the girl who refuses to take compliments and has meltdowns for no reason, but that’s me. I want to know how to love someone completely without being crippled with anxiety. I don’t want to push you away by being such a crazy and callous person but I don’t know how to be sane either. I’m the problem. I’m wrong, broken, damaged goods, whatever. I took the line “leaving is always an option, you can always start over and create a new life for yourself” in the wrong way that I keep throwing things when it actually can be fixed. I’ve never actually thought about having children or getting married. Those are all adult things that I’m way too immature to handle. I know I’m fun to sleep with and drink with, but I don’t know if I’m really girlfriend material.


And to my surprise, my previous former lover was the only person that didn’t have to deal with that terrible version me. I was still terrible though, but he seemed to be good at tolerating it. At least that’s what I felt. Yes. You’re someone I ever intended on keeping around, someone I had to make plans for the future, somone who made me think of getting married and having children, someone I wanted to see everyday and grow old with. With you, I’m no longer the person who feel suffocated and look for a way out. With you, I’m no longer one to break plans and make excuses to avoid meeting my partner. With you, I’m no longer afraid to live because I know there is someone who cares. I’d love you to be around for many years to come. For you, I was willing to change myself.

But…how much change is deemed okay?

Love makes you want to be a better person. But maybe love, real love, also gives you permission to just be the person you are. If I was faced with two options between someone who accepts me for who I am vs someone who accepts me for who I am but also sees chance of improvement in me, I’d pick the latter. But this is not improving. This is overhauling me. I feel like something that has to be fixed. I became someone who’s not comfortable in her own skin. I didn’t like it. I may sound callous and selfish to state such thing but I don’t want to lose myself in the process of loving someone. Like what Ernest Hemingway once said: “The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.” A part of me cried out what’s the point in doing this? Why should I change for somebody who didn’t appreciate it? But another part of me pointed out that love requires sacrifice and compromise, and changing myself is good for a relationship, in fact, often it’s necessary. Relationships are based on compromise because there is no such thing as a perfect fit between people. But then again, how much sacrifice and compromise is deemed okay? How far should I go from being myself?

I know you did sacrifice a lot of things for me and I’m forever grateful for that. I’m a big liar to say if I wasn’t happy when I was with you. Of course I was so happy. We were together for three years and it’s stupid to spend it on someone and be unhappy while living it. It’s the longest run I’ve ever achieved so far, and the most tiring one as well. Sometimes I’m afraid that I’ll never make it that far again or more with someone else. But I don’t want to run back to you again. That’s not a promise, though. Maybe I still want to be with you. I don’t know. I still want you to be around for many years to come, as a friend. In fact, I look forward to seeing you with another girl that makes you happy. A girl that challenges you to be a better person, a girl that enjoys the same things you do, and a girl that loves you as much as we loved each other when we were together. I’m seeing someone new too and I will let you know! 🙂

I loved you. I loved you a lot. We had a lot of good times. Or at least I thought we did. So here is to all the heart felt text messages we sent and the long phone calls, here is to laying in the bed holding each other tight, here is to the the endless laughs and smiles we shared, and the tears we shed for each other, the fights we got in, and most importantly here is to breaking each others hearts. Not because we hate each other or don’t love each other anymore, but because we knew that our time together was over.

Virginity is A Sexist and Heteronormative Concept. Should We Let It Determine One’s Value?


In our society, it seems more acceptable for a man to sleep around with different partner than when a woman does the same thing. In that situation, virginity seems to hold a considerably heavier burden for women than it does for men. Virginity is often used to control women’s sexuality and determine their character, value, or morality. Why is a woman considered immoral, impure, and dirty because she has sex?  Does a penis (and vagina) have some fantastical dirty making power and character destroyer that I’m unaware of? Well, newsflash, it doesn’t. You can be a virgin with terrible character. You can have all the sex you want with awesome character. Having sex or not having sex doesn’t determine your character as a human being.

As a woman, I was told that I had a responsibility to remain virgin and pure for my future husband. I understand the whole virgin and pure thing because pure is supposed to mean untouched. But does that mean you’re not pure if you’ve kissed someone? Because that’s ridiculous. Your virginity doesn’t define your level of pureness because it’s a totally made up thing that is used to make women feel like they’re dirty or bad for having sex. While on the other hand it’s entirely possible that my future husband wouldn’t remain pure for me. I wouldn’t know it either except he told me about it. There is no physical difference I can tell between a man who has lost his virginity and a man who hasn’t.

If a woman lost their virginity to someone who she wasn’t married to, she is considered as impure, dirty, or something along that line while men didn’t face the same cultural consequences if they weren’t virgins when they got married. This is what is called the sexual double standard. Should virginity be kept only by woman? The sexism of virginity is real here and yet we still spend our days holding to that concept.

What is virginity?

According to the dictionary it means “the state of never having had sexual intercourse”. That definition leads me to another question because sexual intercourse refers to penetrative sex or penis-in-vagina sex. It’s assumed that unless you’ve had a penis in your vagina, or put your penis into a vagina, then you haven’t really had sex. That definition of losing virginity can only apply primarily to heterosexual relationships. How about my LGBTQ friends? Are they considered as virgin for the rest of their lives just because they never had penis-in-vagina sex? This concept of virginity erases their sexual experiences by continuing to perpetuate the idea that the only real sex must be penetrative sex. Different people define sex differently. So this one definition we have about virginity doesn’t even work.

Another definion of virginity I’ve heard a lot is related to the integrity of the hymen of a woman. This definition is even worse and very gendered. What about a lesbian who tore her hymen after playing with sex toys? What about trans male and trans female? Well, a lot of people will say that to know a woman’s virginity can be done by checking a woman’s hymen is broken or not. Wow is it really as simple as THAT? I doubt that. A hymen can be broken without any kind of sexual intercourse. Many women don’t experience bleeding or pain during their first sexual act. Some women also were born without hymen. Not all hymens tear during penetrative sex. We all have been sold to this idea of torn membrane and blood on sheets as some kind of sign to determine woman’s virginity.

A broken hymen does not equal loss of virginity. And the loss of virginity does not equal loss of dignity and virtue. But that would be a different story if you’re a kind of person who choose to value someone based on their sex life rather than seeing someone entirely as a person that they are. In that case, virginity and their previous sex life must be a legit big deal for you. I do admit that sex life plays an important role in life but it’s not a tool to judge someone. I don’t want to miss out something amazing that someone offers just because I focus on their past decisions.  I’ve never been a person who sees someone, woman or man, who has had sex as a bad person who do bad things (as long as they’re not a rapist or sexual predator, of course). I see them as someone who have just shared the most intimate experience humans can have.

I still remember that time when my friend told me something related to her sex life and how she asked me first whether or not I’d hate her after knowing her story. I said I’d not, why should I? After that, I knew that she was afraid that people would judge her decisions. It kinda makes me sad how a grown up woman who is completely aware of the consequences of what she’s doing has to feel worry about the judgement she might receive from society, while man doesn’t have to feel worry about it. Damn you double standard in sex! If you want to see it from your religion point of view, it’s not fair either. Everybody makes sin everywhere everyday and why the hell they choose to use virginity and someone’s sex life as a weapon against someone, especially a woman? Why do you think that one sin is more forgivable than another? Why do you think that making out is more acceptable to be done than making love? Is it because making out seems more safe to do and less intimate? If it is, then why you’re still afraid if you get caught by your parents? In fact, making out to some people is just as intimate as making love.

I’ve ever asked some of my  female and male friends the same question related to virginity, that is “what if your partner has had sex before, would you still accept them?”. The answers I got was vary but hold the same point. They said they would accept their partner regardless of their past experience about sex. They would appreciate whatever their reasons behind that decisions. They’re not 100% pure so they’re in no position to judge someone who is not pure either. Yeah, something like that, more or less. Well, I’m saying this not because I want to -passive aggresive- manipulate and provoke people to see things the same way my friends and I do. Not at all.

Your virginity is nobody’s business but yours. It has nothing to do with your value. Treating people differently based on their past decisions would deeply hurt feelings because of the very personal nature of these decisions. Your decision should be yours alone, rather than your peers. Having sex should be a choice because you like someone and wants to have sex with them. If someone chooses to not have sex for their own personal reasons, that’s fine and we shouldn’t shame or judge them. If you want to wait to have sex until marriage make sure it’s because you want to. It’s your body. It belongs to you. Whatever your choice is, it does not make you any less of a human, or make you untrustworthy. You’re all as capable as any human being. 

p.s: I’m not trying to provoke anyone here to do anything. I’m just giving my perspective, as a woman, about virginity. Remember your decision should be yours alone. 😉 cheers!

What Anxiety Feels Like For Me

Everyone feels anxious from time to time. In fact, it is very normal to feel anxious in some situations like when having a job interview, talking in front of a large group of people, having exam and a lot of tasks in the same week, making important decisions, or maybe as simple as meeting your new friends from Tinder for the first time. Everyone experiences anxiety differently. Some people just simply feel anxious in certain situation and will go away in time. Anxiety is a normal response to stress or danger. In fact, it can help you stay vigilant and focused, and motivate you to finish your task or solve your problem.

So, what is the difference between normal anxiety and an anxiety disorder? Not all problem anxiety can be said as an anxiety disorder. But when anxiety is overwhelming and affecting your daily life, stop you from being functional, lower your life quality, make you incapable of living your life normally, and lead you into a new problem, then you might be suffering an anxiety disorders and you better get it checked. It’s not right to diagnose yourself because only a mental health professional is qualified to diagnose you with a mental health disorder. I went to a psychiatrist too. It doesn’t mean I’m weak. It means I have good concern with my health.


Sometimes you hear about someone having anxiety or an anxiety disorder, but you might have a hard time imagining it. If you haven’t had it yourself, it’s hard to imagine what anxiety means to someone with an anxiety disorder.

Everyone has the same capability of developing their anxiety into anxiety disorder, but not everyone suffers anxiety disorder. Anxiety affects people in different ways and to different degrees. I feel anxious too from time to time. Sometimes I feel anxious over small things like when I haven’t finished my lab report that should be submitted tomorrow, when people become distant from me, when people don’t reply to my message, or when people look at me in an uncomfortable way. But that’s just the kind of things that I consider as a normal anxiety.

I ever felt anxious in a larger scale. That was when some people saying such things as “you’re never good enough for anyone” “you’re not special, you have nothing i can be proud of” “you’re too skinny, no guy will like you” “you’re incapable of doing anything right” “she is better than you” “why can’t you be like her?” “you never changed! you’re still as miserable as you were 3 years ago” “you have to enlarge your tits and ass” “why do I have to speak loudly to you? can’t you hear me? you must be deaf” to me. I experience anxiety as a result of grief and poor confidence in myself. I often spend my night thinking and believing how worthless and useless I’ve always been all this time. I cry myself to sleep. I cry for no apparent reason. I feel as if nobody’s going to love me, because I am me. People would leave me because I am me. People would never accept the miserable me. People would hate me because I hate myself too. That kind of condition has happened to me a few times since last year and still  continue to happen several times this year.

There was time in July when I told myself to finish my thesis. But instead of writing it, I spent my night crying. I don’t remember why, neither know the reason but the thing I remember is: I woke up in that morning feeling drowsy because I cried all night long. My eyes were swollen and my head was dizzy. It was so hard to get out of the bed. I didn’t want to do anything, let alone going out and meeting people. I was afraid that people would look at me in disgust. I was afraid that people would ask me questions that might hurt me or comment about how shit my appearance was. Sometimes I couldn’t sleep at all, and in other time I sleep too much. I cancelled my plaand I didn’t help my dad at home and he got mad at me for being such a lazy bum. I finally told him that I was sick but he didn’t seem to believe it at first, because  my body temperature wasn’t high, and my face wasn’t pale. On the outside, I looked like I do every day. I seemed so healthy. I was awake, alive and breathing fine. Nothing seemed wrong.

That’s the thing about anxiety. I look fine. Of course, I look fine. I’m not cut or bruised. Because anxiety is not a physical disability. That however, doesn’t make it any less debilitating. Anxiety is nothing to simply smile and nod away. Telling me everything is okay doesn’t help me, it hurts me more because nobody seems to take it seriously. Anxiety will not last forever. It might always live inside me but it won’t always attack me 24/7. There are days when I can make it through without feeling anxious. I can smile and laugh. I can be productive, go out to dinner, watch a movie with my friends. And trust me, I know how difficult it is to understand how I can be fine one day and the next, not be able to get out of bed. That’s just how it is. I don’t want it. I don’t want any of this to happen.

Do you really think that if I had a choice I’d choose to let down the people who care with me because I can’t handle a simple outing? Do you think that I want to be so afraid to get out of bed that instead I cry to Me Before You for 12 hours straight in a row? Probably not. Would you choose that? Doubtful. Do you think it’s completely alright for me to see how my friendship and relationship were destroyed by this condition? I sadly have experienced both, and it is the most devastating kind of loss so far. Why? Because it’s not my fault.

So when you tell me that I’m being dramatic or lazy and just looking for attention, take a second and think about what you’re saying to me. Nobody, I repeat nobody, wants this. When I say “I have anxiety” here is what I really mean. Please bear with me. Support me. Know that everything I do, I’m thinking about how it effects you. I might not be easy to have in your life, but if you let me, I will always be there for you. I will never forget the way you held on when most people would leave me.

A Little Introduction of the Nervous Wreck Behind This Blog

It has been six years since my parents didn’t live under the same roof anymore. They’re not divorced, they just dont’ live under the same roof, for a few years, for a very –if I may say– egoistic, shallow, and stupid reason I will never fully accept until now. But for me, they’ve been emotionally distant since I was four years old. They used to fight a lot even since my sister was so little or even hasn’t been born. I can still perfectly imagine how they yelled to each other at midnight. I remember how my mom cried. I remember how my dad tried not to cry. And I remember how a four years old me was scared and crying alone in my room. I remember all of it. I grew up seeing my parents grew apart.

My sister would be sad and scared too if she could hear it. But she’s so little at that time. She’s so little to understand what’s going on and she was born deaf so she can’t hear anything. That’s what makes her special. But when she has grown up, she would finally understand how imperfect and messed up her family has been all this time. I hope she’s okay and not ashamed of that because every family is imperfect in their own way. They just happened to hide it better. Don’t you ever feel that you’re the imperfection in our family. My dear sister, please keep in your mind that you’re always perfect in your own way and you’re special to me. Never in my life have I ever seen you as an embarrassement in my life. Never. Every inch of my heart loves you so much and every inch of you deserves to be loved. Dad and mom love you as well. We could get through this together. Even though together means only you, me, and dad.

I never hate my parents. In fact, I love them so much. I never try to do something bad just to get their attention. They always give me more than what I could ever ask for. I do bad things sometimes because I’m human, just like you all. I sometimes make bad decisions that hurt people around me, just like you all. Sometimes I mess up too, just like you all. Sometimes I feel weak, anxious, broken, and incapable of handling my life, just like you all.

I’ve been dealing with mental health issue such as anxiety and depression (I will write about it in the next post) since last year but it’s not due to the problem in my family. While others think I’m just being dramatic, glorifying, and romanticizing my pain, my family helped me so much during that time. My dad took me to doctor. I know he didn’t have money at that time but he still took me to psychiatrist. My mom always sent me a message every morning to remind me to eat and drink more water, and every night to remind me not to sleep late. When I laid in bed so devastated and shattered, my sister came in and force me to eat and drink a sip of water. When she held me by the arms and looked at me, by the look in her eyes I knew she was telling me that she’d always be there for me. See? I’m surrounded by very supportive people.

When other people belittle my feeling, my family is the one who listen to me. When my friends told me all my flaws as if I couldn’t see it already, my family was the one who told me how wonderful I’ve always been to them and how they’re always proud to have me. I never consider myself less lucky than everyone, or my life less complete just because I only have my dad beside me. Experiencing such thing doesn’t lessen my value as a person. I never think I’m stronger or wiser than others just because I can get through this. None of this makes me different than others except that I –perhaps– have better understanding towards people who happened to experience the same thing. Sometimes I wish people wouldn’t see me less than a person that I am just because of the imperfection in me. I want to be loved and be appreciated as I am. Just like you all.