Getting Married: Sometimes I Want It, Sometimes I Don’t

It’s only six days away from 2017 and it seems like everybody has made new year’s resolution. And since I’m too busy dealing with this crippling anxiety, my only resolution is to be mentally healthy again.

Lately I noticed that some of my friends are getting engaged, married, or just into serious relationships. A catch up with my friends over coffee turned into a bet on who will get married first. Like every girl, I would swoon for my friends who found her Mr. Right. Like when one of my friend got engaged a few weeks ago. Her Instagram was filled with the engagement pictures. I was torn between feelings “aww, finally, I’m so happy for them, I can’t wait to get married too!” and “eww! Why are people getting married? You make my skin crawl.”

Why am I so bipolar when it comes to marriage?

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To begin with, I don’t know how to keep my relationship, let alone bring myself into whatever more serious than just being in a relationship. When it comes to committing to someone in marriage, however, I feel a deep knot of anxiety in my stomach. Marriage is for life, man! I get crippling anxiety over what I’m about to order in Starbucks, let alone whom I’m going to be stuck with for the rest of my life.

Marriage is a scary concept. It’s never really knowing what is going to happen in your life, but still you trust someone so much that you want them to be around for many years to come, or as they said, forever. It’s knowing there is a chance of feelings fade and love lost, but you’re saying you won’t give up. Among the “I do’s” and wedding cakes, among the decorations and the gown, among the smiles on everyone’s faces, there is more. There is forever. How long is forever? I could feel my skin crawling as I imagined forever.

Every time I told someone that I didn’t see myself ever getting married, the response would always be the same: “What? Don’t say that! You’ll get married someday. You just haven’t found the right man yet.” Oh man, thanks for the reassurance. I know you’re trying to boost my self-esteem, but I never gave any indication that it needed boosting. I didn’t say I was incapable of finding a partner. It’s just…I’m not sure whether I’ll ever be ready and worthy to get to that phase of life. You know, I am not good at being in a relationship, let alone in marriage.

People think that I’ve been hurt really badly and that’s why I’m afraid of getting married. But that’s not the case. I admit that my breakup has shattered the only dream of marriage I ever made in my life, but I know I could make another dream with someone new. I could build my life again and create another dream. In fact, I’ve met someone nice. I’ve met dozens of nice people after I broke up. It’s just I have to go through at least a dozen more life changes and improvements before I could consider myself ready for that kind of thing. I have to learn so many things to be considered as wife material.

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