I’ve read so many articles about hook-up culture. I even downloaded some reviews and thesis (I’m not kidding) related to it. Many say that we need to kill hook-up culture and some say go for it.
Why should our glorious culture of casual sex be eradicated?
According to one article, hook-up culture is destroying intimacy and making it difficult for us to fall in love, since many people view sex as an intimate connection with the person you love. But on the other hand, there are also a group of people who want to enjoy themselves without the emotional burden coming with relationships, no?
I admit that sometimes we get feelings for our partner after kissing, hugging, let alone having sex. But for the most part that’s just hormonal thing. Women release more oxytocin aka the bonding hormone while men release more dopamine aka the pleasure hormone; that’s why it makes women fall in love more and makes men want sex more. You ever read that stuff, right? That feeling more often than not is not love. There are countless things people confuse for love: dependency, hormones, attraction, lust, expectation, an idea rather than a reality. Many people are buying into the idea that women are prone to mix emotions and fucking, but NO, we’re not, we’re just like men, we can separate the two, I promise. Ladies, let’s make a promise.
Blaming the hook-up culture for a lack of commitment is unfair. There are people who want relationships, and there are people who don’t. The people want to hook-up or keep it casual are not the problem; the lack of communication between the individual is the problem. Instead of fighting to end the hook-up culture, we should work on figuring out what we want from our own interactions. Do you want a relationship? Wait for it. Do you want to have sex without the intention of dating? Go for it. You have every right to do what you think suits you better.
Figuring out what you want from your interactions with someone is important. Ask yourself, why do you want to have sex with someone? Are you trying to have a little fun, or feel lonely? You need to know what you want because it will affect how attached you get with someone. Be honest with yourself to prevent confusion in the aftermath of the hook-up. Hooking-up without developing feeling is easier if you just want to have some fun and to fulfill your sexual needs. Hooking-up because you’re lonely, heartbroken, or hurting will bring you to unwanted attraction and attachment.
People have always screwed people over from time to time when it comes to sex. The difference between then and now is that it’s no longer taboo to talk about sex and to have sex with someone. Nowadays, some women are tend to be more sexually liberated, which means that we’re willing to respect different sexual behaviors of people.
And I have no problem too with people finding casual sex unattractive. But thinking it means something unsavory about a person’s character is not okay. The assumption that it means something bad about that person, their personality, their views on relationships without knowing those things is shit.
Many people jump into this casual relationship thing without any preparations whether they can handle this kind of messy, fucked-up relationship-but-not-really-a-relationship relationship. Some people think that after several hook-ups they can change their partner’s mind and you two will be like Justin Timberlake and Milla Kunis from the Friends with Benefits movie at the end of the day. Goddamn stop it! Friends-with-benefits are the kind of relationship where you don’t want to expect anything. Don’t expect them to offer you to spend the night with them, or a ‘good morning! Did you have your breakfast already?’ kind of text. They have no obligations to make you feel special on your birthday or comfort you on your down moments as they are not your romantic partner. They’re not obliged to fix you nor they are the missing puzzle in your life.
The thing you need to know about casual relationships is that you can’t force anyone to feel something they don’t. You can’t force anyone into a relationship when they clearly don’t want to be in one. It’s not their fault if you fall for them. It’s not their fault you want a relationship when they told you up front that they didn’t want to be serious. Don’t be naive to think you could change their mind. Don’t be ignorant to think that you could be the one to change the course of casual relationships. The person you’re hooking-up with might be a really good kisser, or really funny. But he’s also the same person who agreed to keep it casual. The one who suggests “keeping it casual” is probably not going to be the one to fall in love with you a month from now. There’s 50:50 chance that one or both of you might fall for another in the end but just don’t expect it to happen. Remember the ground rule.
Like what I said, casual relationship isn’t for everyone and you have to think twice about it. If you can’t imagine yourself doing it, that’s okay. If in the middle of it you want to stop, let them know. Your partner and you have to be on the same page. That’s the rule. It’s also important to make sure that both parties agree to not expect more out of it. Don’t agree to things in hope you can change his or her mind in the future or under the assumption that casual is just a stepping stone to boyfriend or girlfriend status.
If you want a real relationship but the feeling isn’t mutual because he wants to keep it casual, just learn to walk away if they aren’t going to give you what you need. Don’t expect him to change his mind by hooking-up with him. Don’t accuse him of using you. You use each other. Don’t feel bad for not being loved in return.