On Having Commitment Issue

When I was still a college girl, my home was merely a place to sleep, to store my stuffs, and to do my college tasks. Juggling between two different campuses with tons of tasks, practical works, and lab reports, there’s not so much that I could do. Forget all the most anticipated TV series, all the must-watch movies, not to mention all the books I added to the To-Read shelf on my goodreads. Young adults need to sleep for 7-9 hours per night, said The National Sleep Foundation. But to me, that was only imaginary. I was more than grateful to have 50% of it, or 60% tops if I managed to fall asleep on my way to home in Trans Jogja. Now that I’m not as busy as before, sometimes I find myself longing for the life I had before. Isn’t it human nature to want something that’s no longer there anymore? But there’s also a sense of relief that those sleepless nights are over.

Besides taking part in shaping me into the person I am today, my old routine somehow affected the way I interact with my family, close friends, boyfriend, or pretty much everyone around me. I rarely went out with my friends back then. With that little amount of spare time and even less amount of sacrifice I was willing to make, I became more picky in choosing whom I wanted to go out with and to whom I said yes to. I highly, highly appreciate the little time I could spend alone at home. I’m so sorry if the quote “nobody is too busy, It’s just a matter of priorities” might hurt your feelings.


But the thing is, it’s not that I’m busy, not that I hate going out. In fact, I love going out as much as I love being at home. I love meeting people as much as I love being left alone. It’s just that I hate planning things that involves other people. I’m afraid of agreeing to dates several weeks in advance, knowing deep inside that I’m not sure whether I really want to go. But I also hate it if you suddenly ask me out, though. You’ll hear ‘maybe’ or ‘maybe not’ coming from me whenever I’m asked whether or not I will attend my friend’s wedding party. Basically, I have difficulties in saying “yes” to something, unless that something is strictly required of me. I’m sorry if I might come across as plain lazy and selfish.

Millions of people out there really go through a busy life. My life is pretty much nothing compared to them. And in the midst of their hectic schedule, they still manage to go out and socialize, taking time for their loved ones. Back to when I was still in college, I can count on one hand how many times I met my boyfriend in a year. I didn’t even bother to call him once in a week, let alone taking 3 hours long of train journey just to go to where he used to study. I never watched any of his basketball matches! All these situations were not caused by the lack of love that I have for him. It’s just that I wasn’t sure whether I could (or wanted to) visit him or not, so I didn’t promise him anything. And since I didn’t promise him anything, I never really attempted to do it.


It’s already hard to be in a long distance relationship with normal people, let alone with problematic people like me. One day I may act normal and the next day I may avoid and ignore you. Have you heard about commitment issue, or if not, commitment phobia? According to Psychology Today, it’s a fear of any kind of commitment that involves other people, not just relationship commitment. And with this fear, I never thought there would be someone who wants to stay, someone whom I willingly allow to stay long enough in my life. I never thought that sometimes I even want to go the extra miles to please him, to promise him that I will change self and actually doing it (or so, I think). Normally I tend to push people away. I end something before it begins. Some people left me, and I was only briefly sad but mainly relieved.


Fun fact: people with commitment issue still can be in a relationship. We want closeness that comes with being with someone. We like the comfort that comes with knowing that someone loves you even after knowing how shit you are. It’s just that we don’t see things long term and prefer living by the saying “we’ll see where it goes”. And as far as I can remember, that’s what we both said when we decided to be whatever we are now. I don’t know whether he has commitment issue as well or he’s simply not sure that I’m the one he’s been looking for. But knowing that he probably won’t be there till the end is what reduces the amount of pressure that comes when I think of committing long term. But of course I do hope that he’s gonna stay as long as possible because he’s the answer to my prayer that I prayed to God on my sophomore year. He’s like Jimmy to my Gretchen (please watch them on You’re The Worst, one of my favorite TV series), but not as worse as him, of course. And I’m sort of thankful that at some point he’s just as bad as I am when it comes to being in a relationship, so I’m not really the worst here. If I’m an asshole and then I meet another asshole, me being asshole is sort of okay.

By the way 2018 is only 4 days away! How will I overcome all the problems in me? Are we still gonna be together? Or are we moving towards different direction? Well, let’s see where it goes.

My Current Skincare Routine

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Finally I’ve come to the realization that I need to take care of my face that I can afford (which is sadly not so much). But with so many products on the market, how do I know which one is right for me? The choices are bewildering. Should I try that new product that my favorite beauty vloggers have been raving about recently? Is it worth the price? Or is there another option that I can choose, probably another brand with similar ingredients but not a little outside my budget? What’s this mysterious ingredients on this face mask? Bee venom? Snail mucus? Golden cocoon? Seaweed?

As a beginner, I was (still am) confused about which products that are best for me. I read reviews on Female Daily to beef up my knowledge of what I need to buy and to hear about other’s experiences with the products before actually buying it. But sometimes it left me more confused because what works for some people may not work for another. Well, skincare is never one-size-fits-all. It’s pretty much a game of trial and error, and the only way to find out what is right for your skin is simply to try them out one by one. Skincare routine is super personal.

After googling on the basic skincare routine plus trying out a few products, I finally settled with the products I currently use. I’ve never really had major issues with my skin so I keep my skincare routine pretty simple, a kind of affordable skincare for beginner, one fifth of the entire series of the infamous –god only knows how many steps– Korean skincare routine. Our skin condition is always changing so my routine will likely change over time, but for now this is pretty much what I feed my dry skin with.

Sariayu Kenanga Cleanser. I usually double cleanse my face at night because sleeping in your makeup is the ultimate skincare sin. This cleanser is a typical milk cleanser, formulated for normal skin and quite effective to remove the makeup and dirt off my skin. I usually repeat until I spend 2 or 3 cotton pads (depends on the amount of makeup I put on that day) to completely cleanse my eye area and the whole face. It smells nice actually, maybe a bit too strong if you’re sensitive to scent, but it’s nothing compared to the result it gives.

St. Ives Nourished and Smooth Oatmeal Scrub + Mask. I previously used the infamous St. Ives Fresh Skin Apricot Scrub but after trying out this oatmeal variant a couple times, I think I prefer this one. This is a gentle scrub according to the exfoliation meter on the back of their products which tells how gentle, moderate, or deep a scrub the formula is.

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This product has medium consistency, not thick or runny and has tiny brown exfoliating particles. It does the scrubbing job well by removing dead skin from the face without being too harsh on skin, leaving my skin feeling so smooth without drying it. Bonus point: it smells so good I want to eat it!! And it can be used as a mask too! This product came in full size (170 gr) and travel size (28 gr) and what I have here is the full size. They do say it can be used 3 to 4 times a week but I tend to use this product twice (or three times, tops) a week, normally before cleansing with face wash. But I’ve been seeing online that apparently you should cleanse first. Which do you do first? Please give this amateur an enlightenment.

The Body Shop Vitamin E Gentle Facial Wash. A gentle, non-drying cleansing facial wash that leaves skin feeling clean, soft and refreshed is pretty much what I need when it comes to choosing a facial wash and this body shop product pretty much provides it all! How can I not fall in love with it? This facial wash is quite good to remove remaining traces of whatever left from the previous cleansing step. I’ve used this face wash for the past three months on a regular basis and I’m really happy about this.

Hada Labo Shirojyun Ultimate Whitening Face Wash. I was running out of The Body Shop Vitamin E Gentle Facial Wash and decided to repurchase it. But when I was strolling around the mall, I saw this starter pack of Hada Labo Shirojyun and suddenly remembered all the reviews I’ve read regarding this product, so why don’t give it a try? Besides, it’s only 20 ml, probably only gonna last for two months, tops. I could easily get rid of it.

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But so far it’s quite good, and by good I mean it’s not drying my already dry skin. It’s surely not as gentle as the body shop, and produces more foam as well. But it can be tricked by only using a very small amount of it. Bottom line, as long as it’s not drying then I definitely can continue to use it. If you have any recommendation of a gentle face wash please let me know. Thanks!

Hada Labo Shirojyun Ultimate Whitening Lotion. When I first tried this product, my first assumption was that this is supposed to be a toner, but the package doesn’t say so. But it turns out that most Japanese toners are translated as “lotion” (while in Korea we usually call it “skin”). Wow thanks to the internet for being super informative! And since this product was made in Japan, it’s pretty understandable that they call it lotion.

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As far as I know, toning will make your skin better in absorbing whatever product you’re gonna use on the next step, and restore your skin’s pH. The texture of this lotion is not as watery as another toner that I ever used before, probably because of certain hydrating ingredients on it? I don’t know. It’s fragrance free and colorant free, and absorbs quickly with no sticky residue. I usually dispense three drops into the palm and gently pat into the face with hands like what’s written on the back of the product. It keeps my skin very well hydrated and smooth!

Hada Labo Shirojyun Ultimate Whitening Milk. Milk is actually a lighter lotion-type moisturizer, and this Hada Labo Shirojyun Ultimate Whitening Milk really does a good job when it comes to moisturizing my dry skin. I only need a small drop or two in the morning and at night after using the Hada Labo Shirojyun Ultimate Whitening Lotion. A small amount goes a long way!

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I don’t know if you can see the label but it’s written that this product is fragant free and colorant free as well.  I’ve never really had any problems with products containing fragrance but I guess it’s supposed to be a bonus point of this product. Another thing that I notice after using this product couple times is that my face feels so smooth and it think it improved my skin condition as well. So far I haven’t seen any visible whitening effect, but yeah I’m not here for the whitening effect. I’m only interested with the hydrating effect.

Wardah Aloe Hydramild Moisturizer Cream. What? Another moisturizer? Yea.. But actually I had used this product long before I started to use Hada Labo Shirojyun series and I don’t want to remove it from my routine. This product is more viscous than Hada Labo so it became the second moisturizer. I stick to the rule that the heavier product should be applied after the lighter one so it can seal whatever product I previously applied on my skin and make them works more effectively. The aloe vera extract and olive oil on this product are believed to shooth the skin and keep it well hydrated. Very much what my skin needs!

Emina Sun Protection SPF 30 PA+++. Sun screen is a very important essential to be included in daily skincare routine. Even though sometimes your BB cream or foundation contains SPF, you still need to apply sun screen beforehand. I know how hard it is to find a sun screen that’s suitable for your skin. Oftentimes it’s either too thick, too oily, or leave a white cast. So, when I first tried this product, I was pretty happy that it goes on really smoothly, absorbs really quickly into my skin, no sticky feeling, very light weight with a SPF 30 PA+++ and there’s no white cast left behind! What’s not to love? Even though I’m not done yet with my quest to find a good sun screen with higher SPF that is also affordable, so far I’m quite happy that I stumbled across a budget product that works every bit as well –if not better– than its more expensive competitors.

That’s all. Very simple, right? I hope it’s useful enough. I’m also trying out a few new products and maybe I’m gonna write it here…. or maybe not. Well, I can’t promise it anyway. By the way, if you have any recommendation especially about a gentle facial wash, exfoliating toner, sun screen, mask, basically any skincare product, please let me know. Thankyou!