Life

Things I Like and Dislike About Myself

Hey, I’m back to continue this challenge. I’m going to write down some of the things that I like and dislike about myself. I thought I’d do this challenge to help me appreciate the good things in me, not in an arrogant way but simply in a self respecting way, since it has been something that I’ve been struggling with my whole life. And I’m also going to write some of the things I dislike about myself, in the hope that in the near future I can do something to change that, or perhaps find a way to accept that. Knowing what you like and dislike about yourself is a very important basic key when it comes to improving yourself. Strengthen your strengths and change what needs to be changed. And in order to do that, you have to know what kind of person that you are.

Here are four things that I like about myself:

  1. I’m generally a positive-thinking person, and I always try to see the good in every situation, especially in the most difficult one. It’s never that simple, but it doesn’t have to be all that complicated either. It can be started from trying to be the least judgemental that I can become and keep myself surrounded by people who believe in staying positive.
  2. I forgive; always. I don’t hold on to grudges. I just want to live, learn, and move forward.
  3. I’m a good listener and a good problem solver, at least that’s what my friends told me. Perhaps that’s what makes them come back to me when they’re facing a problem.
  4. I’m quite independent and I can enjoy time by myself. I think I’ve mentioned a couple times about this in my older posts.

And now it’s time to write down what I dislike about myself, but i’ll try to include the positive things in them instead of merely mentioning them.

  1. Sometimes I give up too easily. I don’t always finish the things that I start and it can be a problem. The main reason I said that is because I haven’t finished my law degree. But if I try to look at the bigger picture, there are many things that I finished and achieved, like finishing my animal science degree in 4 years and two months, so it’s not entirely true. Instead of letting it defines who I am, I’d like to call it as a process that I have to go through in order to know who I want to be and what I really love. But however, I still need to be more resposible whenever I choose to start something.
  2. I’m sort of reluctant to ask for help even when I need it. I usually just accept the help when it’s offered. I like to help people but I don’t like to ask for one. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense. But fortunately, I’m SO blessed to have friends who care enough to offer help. Honestly, I don’t know whether it is something that I’m supposed to like or dislike, not sure if it’s shame, selfishness, or stupidity. But since some of my friends complained about it, I think it’s something that needs to be changed.
  3. Sometimes I still unconsciously compare myself with others. I know it’s human nature to always compare yourself and to see that the grass is always greener on the other side, but it doesn’t make it okay to keep doing that. It’s toxic. That’s why I always keep telling myself to focus on improving myself rather than feeling sad due to my bad habit of comparing myself with others.
  4. My commitment issue and how I always tend to push people away when they get too close with me. I’d like to think that it has something to do with my depression. Or maybe I’m such a shit person on the inside.

That’s that. I could write up to five or more things if I wanted to, but those things I wrote above are enough to represent me. 

Life, Opinion

Five Ways to Win My Heart

A few days ago I stumbled upon a blog post about 30-day writing challenge. I’ve seen this challenge multiple times before but I had to google it up again to see the full list of topic that should be written. I found some versions of this challenge, but overall they’re similar and essentially the same. I don’t know who started this but, man, 30 topics are way too much for this lazy ass to handle. I gotta cut down some topics and make it into one-third of the actual amount of it. Hello, this lazy ass right here is trying her best to participate. But to be honest though, it is a quite interesting challenge to join because besides practicing my writing skill, it also helps me to get to know myself more deeply. So, without further ado, let’s get started.

10daychallenge

My heart is such a dark, spooky, and dangerous place that nobody should ever get closer, let alone winning it. And I don’t think there’s a certain way to win my heart. I’m actually easily amazed by something new and different, but it doesn’t count as winning because most of the times the amazement disappeared as quickly as it came. I believe that when it comes to winning my heart, it should be able to keep me amazed for a long time and most importantly makes me feel comfortable. So what I’m going to write down bellow is more like five ways to make me feel comfortable (and probably win my heart, eventually).

Leave me alone, give me the space that I need. If you’re a true believer of the quote “sometimes I push you away because I need you to pull me closer” please back off. Just because those girls before me used this trick doesn’t mean such quotes apply to every girl, especially to me. If I push you away, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, pull me closer. If I push you away it’s either I want to be alone or I can’t deal with your annoying ass anymore. Just give me the space that I need. I love the company of other people, don’t get me wrong, but I take a lot of time to recover from being around people as well. Someone who can respect my “me time” and understand how much I love solitude is definitely going to win my heart.

Be patient with my texting habit. I can be someone who sends text you frequently, reply to a text in a blink of the eye, and bombard you with tons of heart emojis, but it only happens for a few weeks until I finally feel tired of it. Maybe I just get bored easily. Or maybe I’m not the type to text someone all day everyday, no matter how much I like you or who you are to me. Go ask my boyfriend how often we text each other in a day. I just want someone who can pull off texting everyday and not texting at all in a day.

Be open-minded. It’s always nice to be around open-minded people, you know, those who are willing to listen, observe, understand, and try to see everything from different point of view. The ones who don’t easily judge and point at people, saying that their opinion is right or wrong. But it doesn’t mean that they always accept everything, though. They still have their own standard but chose not to impose anyone to live up to it. Even though we’re in a relationship and we believe that we’re soulmates, we’re still a different human beings with different way of thinking, and disagreements are inevitable and might happen. This is when your open-mindedness is pretty much needed.

Impress me with your knowledge. Looks fade; knowledge is forever. I’m attracted to people who knows a lot of things. It doesn’t always have to be about law, politic, physics or how this galaxy were formed, even though it’d be better if you could explain about that as well. It’s nice to talk to people who always have an answer to every weird and unimportant question I ask, or at least willing to think of the answer to my question instead of just saying “idk” “why did you even ask me that”.

Love french fries dipped in ice cream as much as I do. Well, this is the last one. It might sound weird for some people but believe me, many people out there have tried this since years ago. The combination of something sweet and something salty makes it taste SO good, please consider trying this or at least add it into your -100 things to do before you die- list. If you ask me out and take me to McDonald’s and you order this heaven-sent food there’s a huge chance I’m gonna say yes when you want to take me to McDonald’s again. Which means, a bigger chance to win my heart.

I think I left out a few things that probably were far more important but that’s all what I came up with for now.

Life

A Baby Step to Find My Real Peace

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​It has been a month and two days since my 23rd birthday. And since then I keep thinking of buying a small Quran for myself. Probably that’s gonna be the first thing I will buy next month as a late birthday present for myself.

By the way, lately, my Instagram explore is filled with tons of engagement and wedding photos. From my chairmate in high school to those selebgrams I don’t really know, they started to settle down with their special someone. Don’t get me wrong, even though I’m still as skeptical of marriage as I was in a few wordpress posts ago, I’m more than happy for everyone who chose getting married as the next thing they’d do in their life among other exciting options, because to be very honest I’m still an ocean away from thinking of marriage. My first baby step to think of it is probably following The Bride Dept Instagram account because I don’t want to miss out on their cool post and….to get motivated to think of marriage.

When you’re on Instagram the whole time and see how good everyone else’s doing, it’s hard not to compare your life with theirs. It happens automatically. Your life feels like a mess and you see perfection in everyone else’s life. Like what people always say, the grass always seems greener on the other side, right? But well, I’m not here to compare my love life, or life in general with anyone else’s. Less because getting married is not on my top three to do list, and more because I’m tired of comparing my life with others. When my life is falling apart, I tell myself that everyone has problems, that I’m not the only who’s struggling. People have their own path, and do things at their own pace. No need to rush and just do the best things that we can. Well, sometimes it works, sometimes I have to find another way to pull myself together again. And instead of focusing on how everyone has their lives figured out, I try to focus on my life and only look at other people’s success as a motivation to improve myself.

Along the way of trying to improve my life, I found myself thinking about my religion, something that has been long forgotten from my life, something that I didn’t care much and never took into consideration before. And for the first time, I became scared of the fact that I’ve been far from God. I’ve never been a religious person. I only wear headscarf to school because my parents told me to, or my friends wear it too, or because I was too lazy to wash my hair. There were time where I missed prayers because of oversleeping and I didn’t even feel guilty for it. I do fasting in Ramadhan but rarely do the voluntary fast. Basically I only do a few out of many obligations as a muslim, and not all my intention is because of Allah. Whereas, in a hadiths it is clearly stated that actions are judged by motives.

I still remember back then when my boyfriend and I discussed an issue, he always talked about the consequences in the Hereafer, while I never thought of it. Not because I didn’t know it, but more because I hate to be reminded that I’m full of sins, that eventually I have to hold responsible for all my actions in Judgement Day. I kept bending the rules, I only agreed on what’s suitable with my way of thinking. And the worst part is I used to *kind of* hate his way of thinking when actually it can save me from many errors and bad decisions making. I used to stay away or even scared of that kind of people who…you know..always think and behave in such an Islamic way. I used to think that they’re so boring, weird, judgemental, narrow-minded, and whatnot when actually they’re the ones whom I have to approach and be friends with. The ones I need to stay away from are those who make me forget Allah, not the ones who brings me closer to good things and makes me remember Allah in everything I do. Astagfirullah.

Now I kind of understand how it felt like to be him a year ago. When he finally made a decision to leave me. That’s the thing that he had to do if he wanted to change. I was a bad influence, I guess. Well, we were a bad influence for each other, back then.

But Allah works in mysterious ways. He doesn’t give you what you want when you want it, but gives you what He knows you need at the right time. And then God sent him again to my life. To remind me that I have to change, that I have to learn more about my religion, that I have to start practicing sunnah, and that I must leave all the bad habits I used to do in the past. I believe that if you truly want to change for good, Allah will send the good people to help you. To this very day, I’m still figuring out what I’m supposed to do first. It’s not because I’m nowhere near ready, but more because there are too many things that I need to change. The way I pray, the way I think and behave, and the way I dress up. Well, pretty much everything in me, I guess.

Pray for a stronger heart. The road to change is a bumpy one. I know my journey just began (or maybe it hasn’t been started yet?) and I still have so many things to learn. I’m still afraid that I’ll probably lose some of my friends along the process, or that some people will belittle my intention. But if I keep letting this fear pulling me down then I’ll never change. But I know that Allah is the Most Merciful, the Most Forgiving, and I believe that even if you only utter “I want to change” Allah will make it easy for you.

Life

Open Up as The First Step to Get The Support That I Need

As a woman who seems so open about many things included the very embarrassing experiences in her life, I’m actually not THAT open. I hide some stories inside my chest and bury them in every abandoned corner of my heart, hoping it’d soon be forgotten. And there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. You understand that part, right?

People have told me to be more open about what I feel, but it’s hard when you already see me as one thing, and then I have to reveal the opposite of what you see. It’s hard when whatever you see in the surface doesn’t even represent half of what remains underneath.

As much as I seem to talk a lot and be honest about things I see in my surrounding, I actually spend more time talking with myself and lie about my feeling. My entire life suddenly consists of me playing one role to another. Being me that is always happy, talkative, enjoy hanging out with friends, and being me that is depressed, anxious, and sometimes scared to interact with people. I’ve already lost count of how many times I mentioned that I’ve been dealing with anxiety and depression. Someone recently asked me if I was planning to tell my boyfriend about it. It’s something I have never been itching to do, and honestly, it kind of caught me off guard.

I’ve never been great at stringing words to perfectly narrate my condition as mannerly and clearly as possible to someone who actually sort of aggravated this already existing illness. It’s difficult to do all that when everything I really wanted to do was raging non stop like a crazy monster about how he treated me like crap and how I didn’t deserve to be treated this way at all. It’s hard to talk when you’re in so much pain. But it’s a different kind of pain, not like flu, or high fever. But a few days ago, I finally managed to tell him about my mental health condition.

Another reason why I’m afraid to open up: I’m afraid that instead of getting the support, I get judged by them, they stay away from me because they think I’m weird and crazy. I’m afraid they don’t take my story seriously. Because sometimes they still see completely functioning like those non depressed people. I’m a high functioning depressive, obscuring its symptoms with a mix of meds and talking to my doctor. 

Talking to my closest ones could provide a sense of relief and be the first step to get the support that I need all this time. How will they help you if you don’t let them know what you’re going through? So I told him eventually by sending a long ass messages and talking on the phone whilst trying not to shed a tear. I’m glad that he understands. And to my surprise, he’s quite supportive, considering he used to be such an asshole. Maybe I should’ve told him earlier so it could lessen the damage. He said so, but then again, it’s hard to talk about it. However, I’m glad I finally did.

I know it’s weird how I wrote everything on my blog and he didn’t even know about it until that night. I didn’t tell many people about this blog, though. I used to think it’s embarrassing to let a lot of people take a peek at all this mess, to read what I truly feel inside because the reason I write is just to get all burden off my chest, not because I want people to read it. But now I don’t think I have to hide it because my friends need to know why sometimes I seem so distant from them. They need to know why I often disappear for a few days or weeks and then pop back out of nowhere. Maybe it can help those who feel the same thing to open up, and to get the support they need. No need to feel shame, you’re not the only one tripping down into the rabbit hole of depression and anxiety. Let’s open up and get the support that we need.