I’m a Trash Texter

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pict source: pexels.com

Judging by the amount of time I spend to check my instagram, double-tapping on good photos on my timeline, and seeing almost every insta story of people that I follow (minus those accounts that I muted), I won’t be surprised if anyone thinks that I have a lot of spare time, that I’m on my phone all the time, that I always reply to messages immediately, that I always pick up every incoming calls, or that I’m only one text or call away when you need someone to talk to. Well, it’s partly right. Sometimes I do reply to a message in a blink of the eye. But please keep in mind that sometimes I also turn off my Line notification so I don’t know I receive a new message. Sometimes I have works to do so I can’t check my phone every two minutes. And sometimes I don’t even bother to reply to an incoming message that doesn’t need an immediate answer and choose to stall to the point where I forget to reply to it.

Additional information to make everything sounds more convincing and dramatic: sometimes  I don’t reply to my boyfriend’s message for a week or more. No, we’re not in a fight or anything, I still tag him on a meme. That’s purely me craving for my own personal space to breathe and for temporarily solitude. Even if you’re my boyfriend and I’m crazy about you, I still need space away from you.

Texting –and talking to people as well– can be so stressful sometimes, especially for someone who easily gets sidetracked doing other things. I often read a text, and then get distracted and forget to reply until a few hours later. If you consider that as a sign for how I am in other aspects of life, well, you’re right. My mind is constantly bouncing around. I know this behavior can cause problems. Some of my friends who don’t know me really well once thought that I ignored them. This mostly happens after seeing my last seen on whatsapp and seeing that grey check mark has changed into blue while they still left with no response, or after knowing that I liked a post on instagram. And to minimize the minunderstandings, I turned off the read receipt and last seen on my whatsapp. Gosh, I can’t believe I had to do that. Social media has unfortunately given us all sorts of reasons to be anxious about things that are probably non-issues. The reality is, you don’t have to respond to a text right away and we have a right to respond when we feel like it, right?

We tend to change a bit when we have a new partner. We try to adjust to their habits. One day, you find yourself binge-watch an entire season of Shameless because your boyfriend loves that serial (lol that’s my favorite, he’s into k-drama actually). You attempt to learn about basketball because your boyfriend happened to be a basketball player (even though I never really tried to get to know more of it as well, sorry babe). You try to reply to his text as fast as you can because he’ll double texts you, or bombard you with 20+ messages if you don’t respond within 5 minutes. You always pick up his phone calls every night to listen to his story even though you’re way too sleepy to function. To be very honest, I’ve never been that kind of person, especially the latter. I will be out of breath within the first week. Communicating continuously with someone is never my strongest suit. And constantly bugging me to reply to your texts isn’t endearing at all. It’s not going to magically transform me into a textpert, it’s just going to really really make me want to stop talking to you.

There are lots of people out there who are awesome at responding to messages in a timely manner. I’m simply not one of them. I’m a trash texter according to buzzfeed quiz that I took just now. But it’s not that I try to ignore people.  I’m just forgetful and lazy, when it comes to communicating. Sometimes I don’t know what to reply. I don’t know the answer and I need more time to think of it. Every best friend, beloved family member, boyfriend, and ex-boyfriend has seen my horrible texting habits firsthand, so you’re not the first to receive a few hours of silence after sending me a message. It’s really nothing personal; it’s just who I am, and whether you consider it a flaw or a virtue, it’s a part of me you’ll have to deal with if you want to be my friend. But if you really need me, I will try my best to respond to you as fast as possible.

 

You Might Want To Read This Before Throwing Yourself Into Casual Dating

I’ve read so many articles about hook-up culture. I even downloaded some reviews and thesis (I’m not kidding) related to it. Many say that we need to kill hook-up culture and some say go for it.

Why should our glorious culture of casual sex be eradicated?

According to one article, hook-up culture is destroying intimacy and making it difficult for us to fall in love, since many people view sex as an intimate connection with the person you love. But on the other hand, there are also a group of people who want to enjoy themselves without the emotional burden coming with relationships, no?

I admit that sometimes we get feelings for our partner after kissing, hugging, let alone having sex. But for the most part that’s just hormonal thing. Women release more oxytocin aka the bonding hormone while men release more dopamine aka the pleasure hormone; that’s why it makes women fall in love more and makes men want sex more. You ever read that stuff, right? That feeling more often than not is not love. There are countless things people confuse for love: dependency, hormones, attraction, lust, expectation, an idea rather than a reality. Many people are buying into the idea that women are prone to mix emotions and fucking, but NO, we’re not, we’re just like men, we can separate the two, I promise. Ladies, let’s make a promise.

Blaming the hook-up culture for a lack of commitment is unfair. There are people who want relationships, and there are people who don’t. The people want to hook-up or keep it casual are not the problem; the lack of communication between the individual is the problem. Instead of fighting to end the hook-up culture, we should work on figuring out what we want from our own interactions. Do you want a relationship? Wait for it. Do you want to have sex without the intention of dating? Go for it. You have every right to do what you think suits you better.

Figuring out what you want from your interactions with someone is important. Ask yourself, why do you want to have sex with someone? Are you trying to have a little fun, or feel lonely? You need to know what you want because it will affect how attached you get with someone. Be honest with yourself to prevent confusion in the aftermath of the hook-up. Hooking-up without developing feeling is easier if you just want to have some fun and to fulfill your sexual needs. Hooking-up because you’re lonely, heartbroken, or hurting will bring you to unwanted attraction and attachment.

People have always screwed people over from time to time when it comes to sex. The difference between then and now is that it’s no longer taboo to talk about sex and to have sex with someone. Nowadays, some women are tend to be more sexually liberated, which means that we’re willing to respect different sexual behaviors of people.

And I have no problem too with people finding casual sex unattractive. But thinking it means something unsavory about a person’s character is not okay. The assumption that it means something bad about that person, their personality, their views on relationships without knowing those things is shit.

Many people jump into this casual relationship thing without any preparations whether they can handle this kind of messy, fucked-up relationship-but-not-really-a-relationship relationship. Some people think that after several hook-ups they can change their partner’s mind and you two will be like Justin Timberlake and Milla Kunis from the Friends with Benefits movie at the end of the day. Goddamn stop it! Friends-with-benefits are the kind of relationship where you don’t want to expect anything. Don’t expect them to offer you to spend the night with them, or a ‘good morning! Did you have your breakfast already?’ kind of text. They have no obligations to make you feel special on your birthday or comfort you on your down moments as they are not your romantic partner. They’re not obliged to fix you nor they are the missing puzzle in your life. 

The thing you need to know about casual relationships is that you can’t force anyone to feel something they don’t. You can’t force anyone into a relationship when they clearly don’t want to be in one. It’s not their fault if you fall for them. It’s not their fault you want a relationship when they told you up front that they didn’t want to be serious. Don’t be naive to think you could change their mind. Don’t be ignorant to think that you could be the one to change the course of casual relationships. The person you’re hooking-up with might be a really good kisser, or really funny. But he’s also the same person who agreed to keep it casual. The one who suggests “keeping it casual” is probably not going to be the one to fall in love with you a month from now. There’s 50:50 chance that one or both of you might fall for another in the end but just don’t expect it to happen. Remember the ground rule.

Like what I said, casual relationship isn’t for everyone and you have to think twice about it. If you can’t imagine yourself doing it, that’s okay. If in the middle of it you want to stop, let them know. Your partner and you have to be on the same page. That’s the rule. It’s also important to make sure that both parties agree to not expect more out of it. Don’t agree to things in hope you can change his or her mind in the future or under the assumption that casual is just a stepping stone to boyfriend or girlfriend status.

If you want a real relationship but the feeling isn’t mutual because he wants to keep it casual, just learn to walk away if they aren’t going to give you what you need. Don’t expect him to change his mind by hooking-up with him. Don’t accuse him of using you. You use each other. Don’t feel bad for not being loved in return. 

Getting Married: Sometimes I Want It, Sometimes I Don’t

It’s only six days away from 2017 and it seems like everybody has made new year’s resolution. And since I’m too busy dealing with this crippling anxiety, my only resolution is to be mentally healthy again.

Lately I noticed that some of my friends are getting engaged, married, or just into serious relationships. A catch up with my friends over coffee turned into a bet on who will get married first. Like every girl, I would swoon for my friends who found her Mr. Right. Like when one of my friend got engaged a few weeks ago. Her Instagram was filled with the engagement pictures. I was torn between feelings “aww, finally, I’m so happy for them, I can’t wait to get married too!” and “eww! Why are people getting married? You make my skin crawl.”

Why am I so bipolar when it comes to marriage?

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To begin with, I don’t know how to keep my relationship, let alone bring myself into whatever more serious than just being in a relationship. When it comes to committing to someone in marriage, however, I feel a deep knot of anxiety in my stomach. Marriage is for life, man! I get crippling anxiety over what I’m about to order in Starbucks, let alone whom I’m going to be stuck with for the rest of my life.

Marriage is a scary concept. It’s never really knowing what is going to happen in your life, but still you trust someone so much that you want them to be around for many years to come, or as they said, forever. It’s knowing there is a chance of feelings fade and love lost, but you’re saying you won’t give up. Among the “I do’s” and wedding cakes, among the decorations and the gown, among the smiles on everyone’s faces, there is more. There is forever. How long is forever? I could feel my skin crawling as I imagined forever.

Every time I told someone that I didn’t see myself ever getting married, the response would always be the same: “What? Don’t say that! You’ll get married someday. You just haven’t found the right man yet.” Oh man, thanks for the reassurance. I know you’re trying to boost my self-esteem, but I never gave any indication that it needed boosting. I didn’t say I was incapable of finding a partner. It’s just…I’m not sure whether I’ll ever be ready and worthy to get to that phase of life. You know, I am not good at being in a relationship, let alone in marriage.

People think that I’ve been hurt really badly and that’s why I’m afraid of getting married. But that’s not the case. I admit that my breakup has shattered the only dream of marriage I ever made in my life, but I know I could make another dream with someone new. I could build my life again and create another dream. In fact, I’ve met someone nice. I’ve met dozens of nice people after I broke up. It’s just I have to go through at least a dozen more life changes and improvements before I could consider myself ready for that kind of thing. I have to learn so many things to be considered as wife material.