On Maintaining Friendship


It’s been so long since the last time I had a meaningful conversation with my friends, especially the ones I used to be close with. I’m not gonna play victim and act as if they treated me so bad and left me behind. In fact, I’ve been acting distant lately, and perhaps so have they. It’s safe to say that I have no faintest idea of how they’re doing if it’s not with the help of Instagram and Twitter. Social media indeed has strange way of making us feel like we still know each other’s life when in reality we barely do anymore.

To begin with, in the past several months I haven’t reached out to some of my friends and haven’t replied to their messages to the point where they might assume I ignored them on purpose. Maybe in a way, I did, but not to all of them. I’m a horrible friend and seriously screwed up. I’m really sorry for that. I’m sorry that things haven’t been so great lately. I might come off as uncaring and selfish. I won’t be surprised if some of them no longer consider me as their friends. I get it. I can’t expect anyone to stick by me when I don’t do my best to keep in touch with them and give them the attention they deserve to get.

Friendships are fragile and require active maintenance, or they’ll die. I guess I’ve let it happen more than once. I started to read some articles about how to maintain a friendship so maybe I can still save the remaining friends that I think I still have. Keeping in touch is said to be the fundamental aspect of it, especially when it comes to maintaining a long lasting friendship. It sounds pretty doable though, but I don’t know how to do it. The people I’ve been best friends with until now are the kind of low maintenance friends, and I’m also a low maintenance friend. We don’t always talk to each other every day. We could go months without seeing each other. But we always give the reassurance that we still have each other.

As a trash texter with mild depression, it’s hard to imagine what I have to do to keep the friendship alive when the very basic thing like reaching out to friends, responding back to their messages, or making phone calls can feel so overwhelming sometimes. My close friends came from various background with various upbringing. Each of them carries different set of personality. I have friend whom I can do crazy things together, and I have friends whom I can sit for hours doing nothing but enjoying each other’s company while telling about our secrets. As much as they seem to be diametrically oppisosite, they’re very understanding towards my habit. They never call me out for being not fun when I’m not really up to do anything. That’s the kind of friends that I need in my 20s. I’m only two years away from quarter life crisis so I’m constantly trying to avoid the gravity to fall into it while preparing myself for the probability of experiencing it. No wonder I’m always exhausted.

Talking to my friends has tremendous benefits for my health and psychological well being, as well as broaden my knowledge and perspective. But the crux of the matter is, what kind of friends? Obviously not the ones who drain my energy, make me feel uncomfortable, guilty, insecure, and remind me of all the things I don’t want to be associated with anymore. Even though I’ve forgotten about why I stopped talking to certain people, not all of it was due to some major or minor problems. Sometimes it just happened. We lost the interest to continue the conversation, we started to reply a little longer than usual and finally we never heard anything from each other until our birthday –if we both happened to know each other’s birthday and remember it.

Humans are changing throughout life. The friends you used to do crazy things together apparently have changed and no longer into it. They friends you used to see eye to eye might no longer be on the same page as you about everything, or no longer share the same interest, value, and point of view, which later cause the friendship to be no longer enjoyable. The friends whom you used to stay up late with and talk about everything became person you no longer feel comfortable to spill your guts to.

After witnessing the end of my friendship with a few people, I came to realization that not all friendships are meant to last forever, no matter how good it used to be. Sometimes things are better left as mere memories. We aren’t meant to keep every friend we make, sometimes their chapter in your life is done because they only belong to certain version of yourself. Maybe someday they will end up showing up again in another chapters of your life.


68 thoughts on “On Maintaining Friendship”

  1. Oh yes, me too. I have friends. We are also low maintaining friendship. We just have a chit chat by Whatsapp maybe twice or trice a month.
    But when we are on face to face, we can spend all day time just to chit chat. Hahaha.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Some of my friends and I are like that too. It feels like no time has passed since the last time we saw each other.

      I have friends whom I talk to every day through whatsapp. That’s the probably the closest thing i could get to having a high maintenance friends 😂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am the worst at texting and maintaining a clear line of communication. For some reason it literally drains me and makes me feel exhausted and I have seriously no idea why. But I’ve learned that even in this transitive time of adulthood, the friends that really need to be in your life will remain there. Even if it is not as much conversation as before, you know you can always turn to them and vice versa. I have gotten to the point where I tell my friends I’m terrible at replying or that I sometimes close in on myself so that they understand why I disappear, and now it is getting better. Sometimes its hard to reach out and maintain a friendship, and I can’t really grasp why it is exhausting. But I always assure myself that friendships are important, and I should make an effort.

    This is a great article!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Same here. I’m a bad texter too and idk how simply talking to people over the text makes me exhausted. Is it us? Is it the people we’re talking to? Or is it the topic that we dislike? Idk :/

      Real friends will stick by you and remain there and they won’t be hard maintain. Maintaining friedship should never feel like a job.

      It’s indeed important to let our friends know that we’re terrible at replying text so they wont make inccorret assumption that we ignore them on purpose, while in the same time trying to change our habit of slow replying to their message.

      Couldn’t be more agree with you ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I think you are a wise young woman and you recognise that friendship goes beyond just social media contact. Long term friendships tend to be restricted to just three or four really special people. Some I can go years without seeing or much contact, but as soon as we see each other it is like yesterday. There are friendships and acquaintances for different parts of our lives. But I am mindful of those who are oxygen suckers and when I’m vulnerable I need to protect myself from being drawn into their world. If it is someone who is going through a tough patch and would do the same for you, then I am fiercely loyal. But if someone comes to mind and I haven’t heard from them for a while I send/phone to say hello, are you OK? If they choose to respond then that is great, otherwise I just live my life the best way I can and treasure the friends I do have.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. I totally agree. Out of hundred people we’re friends with, maybe only 10 of them that we really built a strong connection with.
      Same as me. Even though im not always there for my friends but when they come to me because they need to know my advice/suggestion to deal with their problems then i’ll be there.
      I do that too. When they come to my mind, I’ll ask them how they do with no reason at all other than wanting to know how they do and give them the reassurance that i still think of them.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. They really meant it when they said secondary school (high school) would be one of the best times of your life. I think school is what keeps a lot of us together and in touch, we are in each other’s life. Once school is over, it’s a choice to keep in touch and communicate. You keep who you want to keep really, you make the effort for the ones you prioritise. Having said that… as a Muslim, I do feel it’s my duty to check up on friends from time to time to see how everyone is doing. If a friendship is troubling and problematic, and as you said: when your views are so different, it is fine to be a little distant. Otherwise, it’s great to keep in touch but with everyone living busy lives, everyone understands that we can’t be frequently in touch as it’s just too unrealistic. And when you do, yes, spend time with people who really do make you feel better. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. In school it’s like everyone’s friends with each other. We keep in touch because we need them to survive the high school year. But once it’s over and we grew older, met many new people, turt into someone new, and knew what we want and dont want; we realized that only a few of them that really share the same interest, value, and understanding. And thats what we’ll keep.
      I agree with that. Not only for muslim though, but also for everyone. 🙂
      Yess, i couldnt agree more with that 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Very insightful post. So hard to keep in touch with friends…if I don’t like my own company, why would I expect somebody else to seek me out and why would I subject them to my moodiness?

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I’m not really the type to comment.

    but I will say this.

    A real friend that care and knows you.

    they will understand you.

    Real friends stay no matter what.

    when we grow up.

    things get more complex to keep up with.

    Basically a social life outside of school or work.

    you’ll be ok.

    it’s life.

    I won’t say no more. ✌

    Liked by 2 people

    1. a real friend understand you. that’s very true. which is what i’m scared of. I’m scared that im too selfish, wanting everyone to understand me while it’s rarely the other way around.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Listen shorrty… let me give you some of the realist advice I ever gave… You can’t please every body. Don’t stress… Relax yourself and come up off you guilt. There is nothing to be guilty about. life goes on…

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I like to read your article. But my english is bad. Sometimes i think so hard to understand it. But, i can learn english with that probleme.
    I have friends when i study in senior high school. Every day we spend time together, create a gang to look cool in school 😂 “we are like brothers”. Until…. You know, graduation arrived. Just 3 days, we all lost contact. It’s like “3 year friendship lost within 3 days”.
    Sometimes, they appear in instagram comment or chat “hey, how are you?, i miss you! Let’s meet!” and i responded as a person who seemed to respond “fine, when do you wanna meet?” and they respond with attention “tomorrow week, i’m very busy this week” until the meeting does not happen as a planned. and it keeps repeating !!! 😂
    Just share my story with bad grammar to improve my english 😊.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you 🙂 my english is not that good. Still have to improve it by writing in english and reading novels (english version). It’s about practice! I’ll get better.

      Only 3 days after graduation? Cepet amaaat! Kalian udah ga tinggal satu kota lagi apa gimana? Bukannya habis lulus SMA biasanya msh ada libur berbulan-bulan ya sampai masuk ke tahun ajaran baru di kuliah?

      Hahaha basa basi bgt yes itu. Mungkin tnpa kusadari aku jg pernah jadi temen yang kaya gitu sih, yang blg kangen tp gabisa bisa mulu kalo diajakin ketemu. Tp yaa cobain aja terus. Aku temenku kalo aku mbatalin janji jg pasti follow up lagi tanggal penggantinya 🙂


  8. saya selalu wow kalau baca postingan mbak Nadya. .. selalu saja dalam hati timbul pernyataan, ” oh iya yaa”. gitu

    English nya juga perfecto. .. udah mirip banget kaya Native, ga ada rasa Indonesia nya babar blas. How do you learn English so well, Nad?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hueeee jadi terharu bacanyaaa :’)) terima kasih mas 😃

      Emg kalo yg msh ada rasa indonesianya tuh kayak gmn mas? Hahaha. Hmm cuma suka bakar kamus bahasa inggris terus tak minum aja mas 😹

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Ku kira ngga nanya beneran. Basa basi doang gitu .–.
          Hmmm apa yaa. Akusih bener2 cuma mengandalkan ilmu yg dikasih dibangku sekolah.
          1. tau grammar dulu. soalnya aku pengen bisa nulis pake bhs inggris. jd aku banyakin nulis dan baca tulisan yg berbahasa inggris biar tau gaya2 nulis tuh kyk gmn aja + nambah vocab juga kalo msl nemu kata/phrase/slang yg belom kita tau.
          2. Think in english. Kalo lagi mikirin apapun aku biasain utk selalu think in english. Jd kalo ngmg gabakal teralu belepotan karena ga harus translatin kalimat yang mau diomongin ke bahasa inggris.
          3. Sering ngmg pake bhs inggris, biarpun itu cuma ngmg ke diri sendiri atau cm ke tembok. Biar nambah rasa PD
          4. Sesekali ngobrol sama bule, biar makin pede dan ngelatih listening & speaking jg.

          Udh sih itu aja kayanya. Seperti kebanyakan org pada umumnya

          Liked by 1 person

        2. nah kalau ngajarin gini tuh termasuk maintaining friendship.
          .. hmm jadi yang belum aku lakukan adalah think in English.
          … saya bisa membaca dengan baik, saya juga bisa listen youtube tanpa translasi, namun ketika nulis, English nya itu masih rasa bahasa Indonesia 😂😂…

          Liked by 1 person

        3. nih tak kasih contoh nya :

          Three days ago, I went to the traditional market to buy some
          fruits and vegetables.
          In that market, I saw an accident, there was a thief beaten by
          a lot of people. It was so terrible. I didn’t want to take closer
          and see.
          A few minutes later, police came and took him.
          I asked to the fruit seller what had happened actually and she
          said that the thief tried to steal someone’s wallet but he was
          Someone saw him and shouted loudly and suddenly some
          people roughed him up hardly.

          Liked by 1 person

        4. Ini sih karena emg topic bahasannya aja yg simple hohoho. Ku kira english rasa indonesia tuh cara nulis bhs inggrisnya msh terlalu simple/monoton gt.

          Liked by 1 person

        5. oh -tapi masih ada rasanya secara struktur SPOK 😁.

          ah thank you nadya, saya ambil yang always thinking in English. sangat berharga


        1. itu mitos udah tersebar sampe ke tingkat nasional kok mas wkwkwk jd se indonesia uda pada denger mitos itu 😂😂


  9. Your article is always stunning.
    I only have few friends who is really close to me. But we have been disconnected for some time, because we work in different time.
    Even we find ourself are on the same social media, but somehow we feel like a stranger to eachother. Because we are busy with our own world. Sometimes i try to contact them first, but we just make a short conversation. It’s different than how we used to be. I guess it’s hard to maintain friendship, because we also have another to fight for in our own life, including job, family, etc.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks a lot maaas 🙏
      Aww that’s too bad. Maybe the emotional connection between you guys happened to be not strong enough to keep the friendship alive? If they’re meant to stay in your life, they’ll come back.
      Yes it is rlly hard. But it’s good that you still try to contact them. 👍


  10. Oh Gosh, its really happened in my life now, being 30′ its like u need more people who could understand u without Words, and we should do the same …. People come and go but with the good heart Will stay, thank you for sharing this with US

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Oh my goodness, I was just thinking about this and how I get a message once in a while and we talk about the weather and that’s about the closet I get to a meaningful conversation. 😂 In high school, I think I was only “friends” with people because I saw them every day, but it was better than how things are now (friendship-wise). Anyhow, we carry on and try to make new chapters of our life. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thats already good, at least you still talk to ur friends 😂😂😂
      Very true!!!! Went to the same class but rarely talked to each other= still friend.
      Yesss :)))

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Hello ,
    I saw your tweet about animals and thought I will check your website. I like it!
    I love pets. I have two beautiful thai cats called Tammy(female) and Yommo(male). Yommo is 1 year older than Tommy. He acts like a bigger brother for her. 🙂
    I have even created an Instagram account for them ( ) and probably soon they will have more followers than me (kinda funny).
    I have subscribed to your newsletter. 🙂
    Keep up the good work on your blog.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Alhamdulillah thub. Makasi hlo ya suda mampir hehehe. Thank you, masih harus banyak latian disana sini nih.


  13. Talk about not keeping up friendships! My 20 year high school reunion is coming up- and not sure whether to buy tickets or not…the deadline is in 2 weeks. I had a weird high school experience- started as a cheerleader, got into a car accident the beginning of my junior year of hs, missed that entire year and came back the next to repeat my junior year. All my fr iends moved on and forgot about me- now reaching out through Facebook they want me @ the reunion though I don’t hear from them except liking Facebook posts. I’m going through my own crisis…and not going to that reunion


  14. Aw, this was a very good post. Spending some time and actual effort to generate a great article… but what can I say…
    I put things off a lot and don’t seem to get nearly anything done.


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